A shocking new development in the OJ Simpson case. Late this afternoon a high ranking official in the Los Angeles police department admitted to Geraldo Rivera that the police did conspire to frame OJ Simpson for the murders of Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman. However, they called the conspiracy off when they got to the murder scene and found that OJ really did do it.
In show business news, it has been reported that superstar Madonna is pregnant. Although personally I find this a bit hard to believe, I mean, ah, Madonna isn't even married!
In a highly unusual ruling, the California state supreme court declared this week that OJ Simpson attorney Alan Dershowitz is, quote, 'one ugly bastard.'
In sports, distance runner Uta Pippig set a record by winning her third consecutive Boston Marathon, despite suffering from both her period and diahrrea throughout the 26 mile run. In addition, Pippig also set a record for causing the most spectators to make this face... [makes cringing face] ...at a Boston Marathon.
Magician David Copperfield has announced plans to open his own theme restaurant. The theme? "I don't deserve my girlfriend." [Picture of David Copperfield and then-girlfriend Claudia Schiffer]
This Thursday businesses around the country will be celebrating the 4th annual "Take Our Daughters to Work Day." Or, as producer Aaron Spelling calls it, Thursday.
In Los Angeles this week, the defense suffered a setback in the second OJ trial when Simpson was ordered to turn over a secret videotape which lawyers say contains proof of his guilt. What's on the tape? The first OJ trial.
This week Attorney General Janet Reno charged software giant Microsoft with trying to monopolize access to the internet, and has asked a federal court to fine the company a million dollars per day. Analysts say that at this rate Microsoft CEO Bill Gates will be broke just ten years after the earth crashes into the sun.
According to new medical studies exposure to second-hand smoke dramatically increases a non-smoker's risk of getting heart disease and lung cancer. Jubilant tobacco company executives say the study proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that non-smoking can kill you.
Dr. Jack Kevorkian announed this week that he will start to offer organs taken from his suicide patients to people who need transplants. In addition, Kevorkian promised that anyone who does not get a life-saving organ will receive a free murdering.
And in London, British scientists have created a frog embreyo without a head, a breakthrough that could lead to the production of headless human clones to provide organs and tissue for transplants as well as horrific nightmares for the rest of my life.
In New Orleans this week, Doonesbury creator Garry Trudeau was honored by the Drug Policy Foundaton, a group which seeks to legalize marijuana. Also honored this week by the foundation: Weed! Ah, they honor that every... It's a multiple honoree.
A Minnesota man is being sued by a woman who claims that he promised to marry her but called off the wedding after he convinced her brother to give him a kidney. [Holds up a kidney.] Don't I know it!
In Milwaukee, Wisconsin, a man allowed his 8-year old daughter to take the wheel of his car and an accident ensued that damaged 7 other cars and injured 6 people. Which once again proves my theory, women can't drive.
This week computer hackers broke into Yahoo!, the internet's most popular website, and vowed to unleash a crippling computer virus if a fellow hacker is not released from prison. Experts warn that catching these cyber terrorists will not be an easy task and may require the cooperation of both nerds and geeks.
This week after a Los Angeles restaurant refused to seat him, OJ Simpson demanded and got $500 in compensation. In addtion, the restaurant must now offer separate murderer and non-murderer sections.
Who are safer drivers, men or women? Well, according to a new survey 55% of adults feel that women are most responsible for minor fender benders, while 78% blame men for most fatal crashes. Please note that the percentages in these pie graphs do not add up to 100% because the math was done by a woman. [Some boos from the audience.] For those of you hissing at that joke, it should be noted that that joke was written by a woman. So, now you don't know what the hell to do, do you? [Laughter.] Nah, I'm just kidding, we don't hire women.
After closing out a successful first season, the WNBA is considering several changes to improve the level of play in the league next year. Among the proposals: extending the playoffs, increasing salaries, bringing back the 3-point lne, and replacing all the female players with guys.
Next month the U.S. Postal Service will begin issuing stamps depicting Dracula, the Mummy, and Frankenstien's Monster. The stamps are part of a new series called "People Who Abbot and Costello Have Met."
In a recent interview, Paul McCartney confessed that Bob Dylan turned the Beatles on to marijuana. In return, George Harrison turned Dylan on to looking old and haggard.
Our congratulations to musician Ike Turner, who recently got married for the 13th time. The ceremony marked the first time that a minister performing a wedding has ever asked, "Does anyone here NOT object?"
In Maryland, Bell Atlantic plans to offer a service that would allow customers to learn the address of any listed telephone number in the state. Critics say the service would be an invasion of privacy, while proponents of the plan say it will help them invade people's privacy.
Playing in a music store in New York this week, Kenny G set a world record by holding a saxophone note for 45 minutes. While he did warn specators that it would be quite boring, it should be noted that it is every bit as boring to hear Kenny G play different saxophone notes for 45 minutes.
Russ Dimino 2013