Part One: Quotes

"Hey, that billboard stayed the same!" --Mark, mistaking a train for a billboard and being confused

"That's a federal offense in some states." --Me, on kicking the bowling ball return

"Some people use their car as a means to overcompensate for lacking in, shall we say, other areas. I, myself, don't even have a car." --Me

"It's hard to look bad ass when you're wearing a turtleneck." --Me, on John McClane's shirt, watching Die Hard 2

"I don't have the balls to be a 1." --Jeff, rejecting numerology

"Oooh, the bigger kid's scared of the little toy!" --My brother, making fun of Mark's fear of Charlie McCarthy

"That dummy's way too small to pick up an ax!" --Mark, putting our fears to rest

"I have a hankering to watch You've Got Mail... a Tom Hank-ering!" --Cara

"I'm still undefeated against death." --Mark

"I'm going to kill that lady in the front. Well, not really, I don't want to get sued, but, chances are she's going to get a punch in the head." --Mark, about the lady at the bowling alley who yelled at him for using one of the light balls

"A Cajun McNothing." --Mark, when Jeff's sister asked what we brought her for lunch

"Economics is the nun's buns." --Chris

"Don't worry, she's white." --Scott after telling us his girlfriend's name

"They call me Scottie The Hottie." --Scott

"Now these are some romantic paintings!" --Scott, looking at paintings of naked women

"Is my buddy still over? That asshole! He's probably eating my Arby's!" --Scott

"Whoever built this is a genius! Eeeeeeee!" --Andy B. at the Iwo Jima Memorial

"The stakes are high!" --A guy at the MADD office, upon seeing a big pile of wooden stakes

"Who ever heard of Pavement?" --Mr. Klingler

"The queer must die!" --JJO at the AP midterm

"Let them eat cake!" --Mr. P. in AP European

"Daaaaaaaang!" --Moochie Bojangles

"This guy I know, one time, he killed somebody!" --Moochie Bojangles

"Never fry bacon when you're naked." --Mike L

"Man who stands on toilet, high on pot." --Mike L

"Pull out." --Mike L

"Should I write you a check for ten freaking cents?" --Mike L

"You're a bombastic bitch!" --Mr. Farnham to Justin

"Gentlemen, let's get these trays picked up." --Mr. Farnham

"You're marked!" --Mr. Farnham

"Are you guys feeling kinda fagged out?" --Ms. Kelly

"Don't flick anybody off, because guns go faster than cars do." --Joe, when we were lost in the city

"So, how 'bout those Sabres?" --Jeff, whenever there was a lull in the coversation

"Time to hit it or quit it." --Jeff, whenever it's time to leave

"We're having fun."-- Jeff at the prom

"We're having fun, touching a man's..." --Jeff
"...sack!!" --Greg

"It's called under age drinking, Tom!" --Pam

"That is the greatest movie ever!" --Mark, about many different movies

"You're a few Froot Loops short of a Toucan Sam." -- Mark

"I'd pick Tom, so I could shine a light off his forehead and attract boats." --Jimmy, on which A-Team member he'd like to be stuck on a desert island with

"A crossbreeze kicked up and I almost peed on myself." --Mike C, peeing outside Taco Bell

"I'm going to have to take out a mortgage just to pay for my comic books!" --Mike C

"It was lonely at the top, so I decided to work my way back down." --Me, on squandering my lead in bowling

"Remember Nickelodeon Gack? That stuff smelled so bad, but it probably tasted like poop." --An observation by Mark

"Okay, smile and pretend like it's good." --My brother to my mom, taking her picture after she just opened a Christmas present

"It's a Christmas tradition... Gramma gets loaded!" --My dad as Gramma was loading her camera

"Chocolate and I are like freaking sisters." --My sister expressing her love of chocolate

"Do y'all have the same sun as us?" --The blonde lifeguard in Atlanta, inquiring as to if Rochester and Atlanta share the same sun

"All right, listen up you jokers..." --The blonde lifeguard to me and my cousin, and then she didn't say anything after that

"This is another song about that same bitch." --The band that openend for 3 Doors Down at Waterstreet, who had a lot of songs about the same bitch

"Doesn't she look like Britney Spears? From far away?" --JJO, about Helen Hunt

"Hey, it's Helen Hunt." --Cara, about Britney Spears

"There isn't a dry tear in the house!" --Jen, when Halle Berry won Best Actress

"Orange. I don't even know why that's a color." --Mark, on his dislike of the color orange

"Remind me to subscribe to this magazine... when I turn 40. And a woman." --Mark, on More magazine

"She just remembered that she's homosexual." --Mark, watching Mullholland Drive

"The Cherry Coke labels are so weird. I saw a 12 ounce bottle one time that just had the word Coke with a cherry above it. That's enough. This one is like, 'jungle'!" --Cara, on the Cherry Coke logo

"That was the clearest it's ever been." --Mark, on the color of his urine

"Would YOU drink water that came from this place?" --Josh, to Justin, when asked why he didn't get a glass of water at Nick Tahou's

"Now I'm gonna get, like... broomenilla or something." --Val, when she got a sliver in her finger from the broom

"Pretty good turnout for a Sunday." --Val, making an interesting observation at church

"I bet somebody is probably working on it." --Val, on the possibility of Santa Calus being real

"That movie was seriously like 10 minutes long." --Tom on Adam Sandler's Eight Crazy Nights

"Have you ever heard the phrase, don't throw glasses in a rock house?" --Jeff

"I'm sorry, we can't mix foods like that." --Jeff, when someone at Tahou's wanted cheese on their hotdog

"I see your point, I just... don't care." --Me, to Val

"I don't have any money to pay the cable bill! Well, I have $19, but I'm saving that for the Sentinel!"--Mike C on his financial priorities

"Mike, one day you're going to wake up and go, 'What the f*** am I doing with all this s***?!?!'" --Green, in regards to Mike C's Heroclix collection

"I'm way past that point." --Mike C, in reply

"Are you guys gonna get galactic?" --Nick, asking if we were going to play Heroclix

"We should just send Afghanistan and Iraq and all those guys some computers, some porn and some DVDs and tell them 'Look, this is what we're all about in America... just try this stuff out and relax, it'll all be okay.' They would just be like, 'Wow, you guys are pretty cool, we'll stop attacking you.'" --My solution to the world's problems

"You mean it didn't have ice cream or a banana in it?" --Jeff, when Megan said the banana split was not what she expected

"It was probably some hot girl calling to profess her love to me, but now she'll change her mind." --Me, when an unknown female had apparently called while I was out

"This morning when I awoke, I began to cry, for my dream would come true that night." --My brother, the night of the David Copperfield show

"I think I'm going through my crisis right now. Maybe mid-life will mellow me out." --Mike C

"The Others is like freaking the Great Muppet Caper when compared to The Ring!" --Val

"Yeah, I know, and they dropped the Terror Alert back down to Yellow today, too. So I guess we know who was behind it all now." --Mike C, when I told him Mr. Rogers had died

"I'm going to wear a t-shirt that says, 'Good-Bye 21st Century, Hello Death.'" --Mark, on getting old

"You have to crack an omelet to make an egg." --Prof. Hughson, Drawing I

"Why should class be drudgery, when, indeed, it can be a little less than drudgery?" --Dr. Ferraro

"Yeah, I'll say it! I don't like the Al Queda!" --Dr. Ferraro, taking a stand

"There is a Level Orange Alert of there being a test next week." --Dr. Ferraro

"Can you picture one of these little gray aliens coming down and like, doing it with a monkey?? Who got picked for THAT job?" --Dr. Ferraro, on the theory of man being descended from aliens

"And what about movies where they just break into song? If I got up on the table right now and started singing, would you guys join in on the chorus?" --Dr. Ferraro

"I'm going to show this a little early, and when it comes time to watch it, we won't, because we already saw it." --Dr. Ferraro

"They could be watching us with some hidden camera to see what I'm teaching and shit... I'm going by the book!" --Dr. Ferraro

"Remember this day? We decided I have no frickin' clue what the hell this stupidity is." --Dr. Ferraro

"Just wait 'til you see what the writers have in store for Mike next season!" --Mike C, talking about the next semester at Fredonia

"Get the irradiated meat! You can eat it as rare as you want!" --Scott, when Mark asked what kind of meat he should get

"Write your own jokes, folks." --Me, when I learned Scott was working in the meat department

"I'm not saying you can't have an opinion, I'm just saying you're wrong." --Me, to my sister

"My mom probably isn't even sleeping. She is probably just laying in her bed thinking of something to bitch about." --Tom

"Dude, I could freaking get... illegal!" --My sister, trying to form a coherent sentence, and failing (after my suggestion that she drive without a license)

"Last night I played poker with Tarot cards... I got a full house and four people died." --Mike L, in an IM

"Sorry, wrong universe." --Me, during Trivial Pursuit, when "Justice League" was guessed instead of the correct "Avengers"

"The Lord himself does not want me to see this game beat." --Tom, when Mario Bros was accidentally reset on level 8-4

"That was easy as pi." --Tom, during Cranium, when there was a question about the number pi

"I did no work in that class. I just sat in the back and laughed." --Tom

"No matter what the score is for the better part of the game, it seems the Bills will find a way to lose." --Alex after the Bills v Colts game

"Billy Joel in a Superman suit... Russ would totally lose it." --Anne

"Merry Christmas, mother f*ckers!" --Mark, wearing a Santa hat, at Amy and Eileen's Christmas party

"That's about as cool as cancer." --Tom

"I think I might be dying." --Mike C, several times a week

"If by 'partitioned,' you mean, 'full of gay porn,' then yes." --Mark, when Justin asked Tom if his hard drive was partitioned

"You're like school on Saturday... no class." --Tom

"Dress nice... well, you don't have to dress real nice, but, don't wear a t-shirt that says 'Satan Rules' on it." --Dad, when I asked him for advice on going to court

"I like to think of it as, they are investing in Greg." --Greg on student loans

"That stock is rather volatile." --Nick's reply

"You're welcome, employee." --Mark, after I said 'Thanks, boss'

"It would be like my Mecca." --Val, talking about the Hershey chocolate store

"There's a lot of reasons you can kiss my ass." --Me, after Amanda said there's a lot of reasons the third season finale of Smallville was better than the first

"I keep hoping." --JD, after Gramma told him he would wake the dead

"Your whole life fits on one hand." --Val, suggesting that my life only consists of five things (comics, Tahou's, bars, Sam's Club, and Amanda)

"She dislikes sex, fun, football... But she loves my money, eating, and being a bitch." --(anonymous to protect identity)

"You'd end up with kids with names like 'Dinosaur Jones'!" --Amanda, after I suggested kids should be allowed to pick their own names

"'30% Less Fat'. Who cares, you're eating candy, you dick." --Tom, reading a candy bar wrapper

"First of all, we got jumped again, but that was because we were in a comic store and Greg said something anti-comic book. Then, this guy came up to me and said, 'You're responsible for 9/11, you piece of shit.'" --Mike C, talking about a dream he had

"Well I bet they've f*cking figured it out by now! It's like, 'Hmm, that other asshole didn't come back, maybe bright lights equals bad!'" --Tom, talking about whether or not deer know that cars are dangerous

"Newsflash! I've taken up swearing!" --Josh

"What's more important, money, or spending it?" --Josh, trying to convince me to skip work to go to Pizza Hut Buffet

"So I hear you are...you-know-what-ing. Packing your bags, throwing in the towel, sailing on the ship to freedom!" --Josh, hearing that Val was moving to a new dorm

"He might be like, 'Wow, this kid is too galactic.'" --Me, on quoting a scene from 'X-Men' in my Cold War paper

"The whole world jumped the shark." --Josh

"I'm on the boat wagon!" --Another quote from Val that she didn't want me to put on here

"I'm giving up sobriety for Lent." --Mark

"What would he have done if I was 21, take out a gun and shoot me in the face?" --Mike C, when the bartender at Muldoon's made him a gross birthday drink but said he was 'going easy on him' since he was turning 23 and not 21

"I'm going to make God ashamed he invented the pooping feature in humans." --Mike C on his way to the bathroom

"My birthday presents better include a difibrulator, a stomach pump, and a gift certificate to Rochester General." --Me, the night before my birthday, getting drunk at The Retreat

"I took a sh** on every level of the Holocaust Museum." --Mike C

"Yeah, well, I used to have the mumps, too, that doesn't mean I want them again." --Dad, after Val said that we used to have goldfish and now we have them again

"Try adding about 70 years." --Amanda, when Anne saw Amanda's Golden Girls DVD and thought it was Gilmore Girls

"I hate to tell you this, but, that wasn't a dream, it was real life." --Me, after Amanda said she had a dream about being trapped in a southern hick-town (when we were living in Virginia)

"Who the hell goes shopping on Christmas Eve? You know there's going to be a ton of people there today, and every single one of them I see, I'm going to want to be like, 'F You'." --Me, not wanting to go to work on Christmas Eve

"That's the Christmas spirit!" --Amanda's reply to my previous comment

"So it's either Life, which I don't really like... in more ways than one... or Reese's Puffs." --Amanda, when we were shopping for cereal

"My dreams." --Mark, when asked what Jude Law stars in

"Things are tense between them since Lana accidentally slept with Bizarro." --Me, trying to catch Amanda up on Smallville

"She sounds like when my Teddy Ruxpin's batteries died." --Me about one of the American Idol contestants

"Hi, is this 'Pencil Legs'?" --Tim, to Ashley's boyfriend on the phone

"It's like finding out someone else is in Fight Club. The first rule is you're not supposed to talk about it." --Me, upon discovering that one of my coworkers was galactic

"Bea Arthur would have made a good Jambi." --Amanda, while watching Pee-Wee's Playhouse

"This may sound weird, but, it kind of tastes like dog food." --Pam, talking about her corned beef hash... and this was meant to be a compliment

"College kids don't go to the movies. They drink." --Me, when Amanda was worried the Brockport theater would be too crowded with college kids

"The flies finally took over." --Anne, when the Ponderosa in Fredonia closed down

"I want to go to bed, but I'm too lazy." --Amanda, not wanting to get off the couch and go to bed

"I don't know what's worse... the fact that they made this, or that it's apparently out." --Me at the video store upon seeing Ace Ventura Junior, and that someone had rented it

Part Two: Inside Jokes

If you don't get them... too bad. That's why they're inside jokes.

Bob and the bathing caps

The duck

$10 Oakleys

Pointing at the back of Mike Lane's shirt

Jeremy Popp's locker

Lucy/Peter Venkman/Old Scratch

The light's on

Garbonics

Eggs?

Five

Homestretch

The chair in the woods

Products From Jim

The Chicktionary

Who's over at your house, Moon?

Wearing sombreros in French

It's a Bill Joke

Arnolds "jokes" in Washington

The Police Video at Arnold's shindigs

Sports Illustrated

Eddie Torres: The Extra...

Twins and Sisters Too

Beezo Productions

The "What Everyone Smells" Stink Chart

Christ Paving

P&C

Pork Barreling

Log Rolling

Gerrymandering

Bazooka Joe Of The Day

Madame Bijoux

The Red Light District

Bowling with God and Jesus

Skid McWilliams

Hulk Hogan at McDonald's

Kid N Play and James Bond Jr. comics at Big M

"Eye Of The Tiger" at the Billy Joel concert

If I was a cartoon...

Nick Tahou's Presents: Annie Get Your Gun

Nick Tahou's, Proud Sponsor of the Olympic Games

Putting up a sign

Josef in the williams

Tickets to the gun show

In-A-Propriate

A construction worker throwing up Hawaiin Punch and it looks like he's throwing up blood

Hot Cross Nuns

The "Where's My Dinner, Bitch" Game

Bowser's Casser

The Sh** Shotgun

The Upper Decker

Mr. Cranston sucks

Mountain Joe's

Guy Code

Nippy

Connexus

The P-Wing Remix

Super Mario 3.1

Rumplestiltskin

A Rolling Stone Gathers No Moss

Playing it fast and loose

Ecor

Herb Yates

Part Three: Quotes From Movies, TV, Etc.

"I love it when a plan comes together." --Hannibal Smith (George Peppard), The A-Team

"Ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?" --The Joker (Jack Nicholson), Batman

"Don't take any shit from anybody." --Billy Joel

"The more I learn, the less I know." --Billy Joel

"We'll be like the guy who first thought of delivering pizza to people's houses. Or the guy who invented crack!" --Norm Macdonald, Dirty Work

"You know what time it is? It's beer o'clock, and I'm buying!" --Teddy, Memento

"This movie's gonna make House Party look like House Party 2!" --Chris Rock, Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back

"How about the power to kill a yak from 200 yards away? With mind bullets! That's telekenesis, Kyle!" --from the song Wonder Boy by Tenacious D

"I've been listening to my gut since I was 14 years old, and frankly speaking, I've come to the conclusion that my guts have shit for brains." --Rob Gordon (John Cussack), High Fidelity

"I can't fire them. I hired these guys for three days a week and they just started showing up every day. That was four years ago." --Rob Gordon (John Cussack), High Fidelity

"I guess it made more sense to commit to nothing, keep my options open. And that's suicide. By tiny, tiny increments." --Rob Gordon (John Cusack), High Fidelity

"1970 Pontiac Firebird. The car I've always wanted and now I have it. I rule!" --Lester Burnham (Kevin Spacey), American Beauty

"This isn't life, it's just stuff. And it's become more important to you than living. Well, honey, that's just nuts." --Lester Burnham (Kevin Spacey), American Beauty

"My job consists of basically masking my contempt for the assholes in charge, and, at least once a day, retiring to the men's room so I can jerk off while I fantasize about a life that doesn't so closely resemble hell." --Lester Burnham's job description, American Beauty

"Well, that sounds like a pretty good deal. But I think I may have a better one. How about I give you the finger, and you give me my phone call." --Neo (Keanu Reeves), The Matrix

"Even if we never talk again after tonight, please know that I'm forever changed because of who you are, and what you've meant to me... which, while I do appreciate it, I'd never need a painting of birds bought at a diner to remind me of." --Holen to Alyssa in Chasing Amy

"If peeing your pants is cool, consider me Miles Davis." --The old lady in Billy Madison

"Do you know the difference between right and wrong? And do you have a favorite one?" --Dr. Katz, Dr. Katz: Professional Therapist

"My mother used to make a dish that consisted of one piece of American cheese, two peas for the eyes, a cherry tomato for the nose, and a piece of celery for the mouth. And do you know what she called it? She called it 'Clown,' Ben, and we loved it. We looked forward to it." --Dr. Katz tells his son Ben about the good old days in an episode of Dr. Katz: Professional Therapist

"The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist." --Verbal Kint (Kevin Spacey), The Usual Suspects

"Keaton always said, 'I don't believe in God, but I'm afraid of him.' Well I believe in God, and the only thing that scares me is Keyser Soze." --Verbal Kint (Kevin Spacey), The Usual Suspects

"How do you shoot the devil in the back? What if you miss?" --Verbal Kint (Kevin Spacey), The Usual Suspects

"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in awhile, you could miss it." --Ferris Bueller (Matthew Broderick), Ferris Bueller's Day Off

"It's a little childish and stupid, but then so is high school." --Ferris Bueller (Matthew Broderick) on faking an illness, Ferris Bueller's Day Off

"I did not achieve this position in life by having some snot-nosed punk leave my cheese out in the wind." --Ed Roony, Ferris Bueller's Day Off

"People who talk in metaphors oughta shampoo my crotch." --Melvin Udall (Jack Nicholson), As Good As It Gets

"What if this is as good as it gets?" --Melvin Udall (Jack Nicholson), As Good As It Gets

"Many that live deserve death, and some that die deserve life. Can you give it to them, Frodo? Do not be too quick to deal out death in judgment. Even the wise cannot see all ends." --Gandalf, Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring

"I'm gonna get medieval on your ass." --Marsellus Wallace (Ving Rhames), Pulp Fiction

"I've learned that you can't treat every situation as a life-and-death matter because you'll die a lot of times." --Van Wilder (Ryan Reynolds), National Lampoon's Van Wilder

"Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere." --Van Wilder (Ryan Reynolds), National Lampoon's Van Wilder

"You shouldn't take life too seriously. You'll never get out alive." --Van Wilder (Ryan Reynolds), National Lampoon's Van Wilder

"Some people like bloodsausage. People are morons." --Phil Connors (Bill Murray), Groundhog Day

"We've got a full blown, four alarm holiday emergency here! But we're going to press on, and we're going to have the hap-hap-happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap danced with Danny f*cking Kay! And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's going to find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse!" --Clark Griswald (Chevy Chase), National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation

"The US is Superman. Britain is Batman, you know they are smart, but they dont have any super powers. Iraq is like the Riddler, they are tricky, but they can't hurt Superman, he still kicks their ass. It's just like Justice League." --Howard Stern

"The pattern of love is remarkably similar to the pattern of insanity." --The Merovingian, Matrix Revolutions

"Don't be a tuna head." --Maniac Mansion

"Doctors can only give you 'not bad' news. They can only tell you you have nothing. They never tell you, 'Good news, the blood test came back, you're immortal!' They just tell you, 'Eh, you got nothing yet, but... keep coming back and I'll give you a piece of news that'll shatter your life.'" --Norm Macdonald, on Letterman

"If I worried about everything I should worry about, I'd be dead from worrying." --Life As A House

"Asking your mom to buy you this cereal back in the day was like asking her for crack money." --from Maxim magazine, in reference to the cereal Cookie Crisp

"I've developed a new philisophy. I only dread one day at a time!" --Charlie Brown

"I'm dying, and all I hear are insults!" --Charlie Brown, A Boy Named Charlie Brown

"I've seen people get sick on merry-go-rounds, and ferris wheels, and roller coasters, but you're the first person I've ever seen who got sick going through the turnstile." --Peppermint Patty to Charlie Brown, Snoopy Come Home

"There will be peace when the people of the world want it so badly that their governments will have no choice but to give it to them." --Superman (Christopher Reeve), Superman IV: The Quest For Peace

"I don't break character 'til the DVD commentary." --Kirk Lazarus (Robert Downey Jr.), Tropic Thunder

"He's like the hobbit, on crack." --Boston Rob about Russell on Survivor

"Time you enjoy wasting, was not wasted." --John Lennon

Russ Dimino 2013